This Is What Love Is
by Schnitzle Fish
Summary: Set at the end of 4.13 Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels. Jess is back in town and shakes things up with the town and Rory. When he confesses something to her, how will she react?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls or anything affiliated with Gilmore Girls. I wish I owned Milo Ventimiglia, but sadly and depressingly, I don't and I'll try to get over that fact and move on with my life.

Part 1

"_I get to leave first!" _I say to Jess as I run away.

_"Rory, wait! Stop!"_ Jess responds as he runs after me.

_"No! You don't get to walk away!"  
_

_"Hold on!"_

_"My town, _I_ leave!"_

_"I just wanna… Where are you going?"_

_"None of your business!"_

_"We look like idiots."_

_"I don't care!"_

_"Stop running!"_

_"Stop following!"_

_"Oh, come on."_

_"Go away! I'm leaving!"_

_"Rory, stop!"_

_"Why?" _I say as my pace slows into a stop. Jess stops, too.

_"Because I wanna talk to you."_

_"About what? What do you want to talk to me about?"_

_"When did you learn to run like that?"_ Jess says between uneven breaths.

_"You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing. So he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go."_

_"Could we sit down?"_

_"No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?"_

Jess hesitates and takes in a shaken breath. _"I love you."_ I stare at Jess, my eyes opened wide, my blue eyes masked with confusion and anger of the past.

"What?" I ask. I'm not quite sure I heard correctly. Jess? Expressing emotion? Expressing the emotion of _love_? It couldn't be. Surly my ears of played some god-awful trick on me for knowing the one thing I've ever wanted to hear come out of his sarcastic mouth.

Jess now looks even more uncomfortable, yet more confidant, if that's even possible. "I love you." He states again to me plainly, more sure of himself and the way he feels.

"You love me." I state, slightly ashamed of the sting I use with it.

"Yes. Yes I do."

"What a load of bullshit, Jess. Love isn't when you walk out on the person when things get rough. You talk about your problems so you both can sort it out. Love isn't when you pressure the one you supposedly love to have sex with them and then yell at them when they say no. Love isn't when you break the person you supposedly love's heart right before their high school graduation. Love isn't bailing on people who care about you the most. That's what love isn't, Jess."

"I know it's not! But I do know what love is."

"Oh really? Humor me. Tell me what you think love is!"

"I know that love is when I lay awake at night wondering how I live with what did to you. Love is when I make myself physically sick because of the things I've done to you, to Luke, in my past… Love is when I travel 3,000 miles hoping, just _hoping_ to catch a glimpse of you and if I didn't, knowing that I am on the same coast as you is enough. Love is when I knew that once you saw me, I would have to leave quickly because I didn't, and I don't, want to cause you anymore pain than I've already put you through. Love is when I think about you constantly. When I dream about the last time I saw you that day on the bus. When your voice haunts me in my conscious and subconscious mind when you ranted at me when I called you on your graduation day. When every conversation, every touch, caress, kiss, every glimpse we've had plays over and over and over in my head, mocking and tantalizing me, telling me what a fuck up I am and how I'll _never_ be good enough for you, even if I tried. Love is when every breath I take hurts because it's one more breath from being with you and our time together. And most of all, love is when I know that this agony I feel over not being with you is worth it if you really are happier without me. When I'm willing to go through torture just to have _you_ be happy. That, Rory, is what love is to me." Jess says.

"That's the most I've ever heard from you with the exception of you talking about Hemmingway." I state, slightly stunned.

"Yes well, I did once tell you that Ernest had only lovely things to say about you…" He says reminiscently.

"I find it slightly ironic that absence made _your_ heart grow fonder." I spat at it, trying to hide that giddy feeling that was bubbling up inside my ribcage.

"Rory, I don't need this. I just professed my love for you. Something, I've _never_ done, by the way. I've never even told Liz that I loved her. I've never said that to _anyone_ and I sure as hell don't need you to throw it back in my face." Jess says agitatedly as he turns around and walks away, his back once again turned away from me to leave; To leave me behind. What we had behind.

"Jess… Wait." I call out softly.

"What is it, Rory?" He asks, slightly annoyed.

"Can you meet me at the bridge at 1?"

"Okay." He says, his back still turned away from me, but not moving further into the horizon. I turn on my heal and run to find my mom. I have a lot of things to do if I only have a few short hours to come to a decision, and making a pro/con list is just the beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls or anything affiliated with Gilmore Girls. I wish I owned Milo Ventimiglia, but sadly and depressingly, I don't and I'll try to get over that fact and move on with my life.

A/N: The characters may seem a little OOC, but that's because this is my first Gilmore Girl fanfiction and I'm still trying to grasp them. Hopefully, I'll be able to nail them soon.

Part 2 

After running around my miniscule town, I finally found my mother through the horde of festivities. "Mom!" I say out of breath.

"Rory? What is it? What do you have to tell mommy?" My mother asks me not sure if she should be concerned or not.

"Jess…"

"Jess what? Did Jess do or try something? I knew it. I knew he was going to try to weasel his selfish claws back into your life. God! How could Luke let him back in town? He _knew_ you were here! Why would he do this?"

"Mom, you've got it all wrong. Can we go back to the house, please?"

"Fine babe." Mom says as she drapes an arm over my shoulders and guides me home. "But starting tomorrow morning, Luke's mine to kill. And so is Jess."

"And what would you use to kill them?"

"An axe?"

"How Lizzy Borden of you…"

"So let me get this straight," My mother says stunned. "Jess told you that he loved you?"

"Yeah. He did. It was kind of cute too."

"So how did he say it? Come on. Give mommy details. I only went through hours of…"

"…Painful agony to bring me into this world. I know, I know, mom. He just asked me if we could sit down and talk. But as you know, I've been angry with him for the past year, so bull-headedly I told him that no, we couldn't sit down and that since he wanted to talk, he had better start talking. And then he just said it. Just like that. And naturally, I blew up at him. I mean, what else was there to do? He left me without saying goodbye, no note, no letter, nothing. And I proceeded to tell him that that wasn't love. And then…" I say as I start to blush and smile shyly.

"And then…what?"

"And then he proceeded to tell me what love is to him. Mom, if only you were there. It was so cute. I had that random giddy feeling in my chest and I felt like I was going to explode with happiness."

"I love that feeling. It's a good feeling. It's the feeling I get every time I watch Pippi Longstocking. You know what I mean? And it's the feeling I get every time I get a good cup of coffee, which isn't often, let me tell you…"

"Mom, what am I going to do?"

"I don't know, hun. It's up to you. We all know how I feel about Jess. But let me ask you a few things. Did you love him?"

"Yes, I think I did. I felt more strongly about him than I did with Dean…"

"Do you still love him? Or do you still care about him?"

"I know I still care about him. And I think I might still love him. But it's this whole trust issue. I'm always going to be so afraid that he'll leave me again…"

"I know, hun. But this is my last question for you. Does he make you happy?"

"More than anything."

"Well, babe, I think we have the answer on what you're going to do. If he makes you happy, if you love him and if you care for him, there's nothing to consider. Go back to him. Make him heal the pieces he's broken. But just let him know that if he breaks your heart again, he's not living and he _will_ feel the wrath of Lorelai Victoria Gilmore."

"Okay mom. Well, I'm tired, I going to go to bed."

"Are you sure? It's a little early…"

"I know, but the day's events kind of wore me out."

"I see… Well, I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." I say as I traipse to my room. I look at my watch. 10:55PM. Only two hours to go until I sneak out…

I look at my digital alarm clock. It reads 12:45AM. Time to leave. I open my door a crack and check both ways to make sure that mom is upstairs. I then quietly shut my door and proceed back into my room. I walk over to the window. I unlatch the lock, push a little, and then slide it up. "Shall we bail?" I say as I chuckle at the small memory my mind has stowed away. I step out onto my wrap-around porch tentatively. I proceed to walk in a silent manor. I'm feeling a little nervous; A little apprehensive if you will. Dealing with anxiety isn't my strong suit. I usually end up in an anxiety attack. Not fun for me, even less fun for those around me.

My padded footsteps hit the pathway to the bridge. _Our bridge_ I like to tell myself. It's rarely used and although I've always known it was there, I never really thought about using it when I was younger. That is, until he came to Stars Hollow. Finally, I reach the old bridge. I walk to the middle and sit. I look at my watch. 12:50AM. He still has ten minutes.

I'm officially worried and nervous. I look at my watch again, just to make sure the time is correct. 1:20AM. He's a no-show. Damn it! I really want this. I want _him_. I want _us_. My eyes start to tear up. Obviously, he doesn't feel the same way as I do. God, I can't believe I was so stupid as to even _think_ that he'd show up. I let the tears I've been holding go, taking with them trails of my sadness in little mini rivers. I stand up and start on my way home when I hear a tentative footstep followed by a creak as the bridge tried to accommodate the extra weight. I spin around and there he is.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asks worried.

"I thought you were a no show." I say through my tears.

"What are you talking about, my watch says that it's one right now."

"Well… Mine says it's 1:25AM."

"Fuck! I haven't worn this thing in forever. I forgot it was slow. I'm so sorry, Rory."

"It's alright. At least I hadn't left earlier."

"True. So, to what's with the midnight rendezvous? What do you want to talk about? I have to leave soon. I don't want to have to deal with Luke."

"You never used to care about dealing with Luke…"

"Things were different then."

"What was different then? I'm still the same Rory that you knew a year ago. I'm still the Rory that would sneak out to meet you at the bridge to continue our dates."

"Yeah, but we were also dating then, and seventeen and eighteen years old. It's different now. We're not dating and we're almost twenty now."

"Jess…"

"What, Rory?" Jess asks agitatedly. "Are we both hear so you can lecture me on how I'm not really in love with you and I have no clue what love is again?"

"I love you."

"What?"

"I love you, Jess. I really do. This entire year has been about me trying to get over you, trying to forget you. And I can't do that. I just can't. Nothing's working. Going on dates isn't working; throwing myself into my schoolwork and jobs isn't working. Nothing is working. I love you, I love you, I love you. I fucking _love _you Jess, and I will always love you."

Jess takes a tentative step closer to me. "Really? You're not just playing some sick joke on me, right? This is for real…"

"This is for real." I respond to him.

Jess reaches out both of his hands and clasps my hands. He intertwines our fingers and lazily drags me closer so our lips are closer than they've been since that keg party senior year. "Okay." He whispers, his breath hot against my lips. "Okay…" His lips crash down onto mine and I realize that this is what feeling alive actually _feels_ like. I feel seventeen again, and I think I can safely assume that if Jess and I work out this time, and if we really do get that happily ever after, that this is what I'll feel like the entire time I'm with him. This is too good to give up. Better than any high. This is truly ecstasy.

He opens his mouth a little and slides his tongue through his lips, asking mine for access. I grant him his wish and our tongues begin their battle. I moan against his mouth in a whisper. He groans in response and slowly parts our close embrace. He looks down and with a smirk says, "Well… Whatever happens next, at least we know that part works." I laugh a little at his reference to the first time we kissed as a couple. Staying in role, I say, "I gotta go."

"What? Did I do something?"

"No. This was perfect. And I look forward to many similar occurrences, but right now, I have to go. Do you understand?"

"Not at all."

"It's more fun this way, isn't it?"

"C'mere" He says and takes me face in his hands and pulls my face closer to his and lays one of the mind-blowing kisses that only he can make.

"Beat it."

"Bye, Jess. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yup."

I smile at him as we part ways, each of us walking backwards so as not to lose sight of the other. He smirks in a lovesick way, as if he knows he's in too deep, but likes it that way. When we each reached the curve of our paths, we give each other one more longing look, and then went on our separate ways.


End file.
